Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
