Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
