omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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