When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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