you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
