I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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