so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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