I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
they call him Oral-B. enough said
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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