fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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