Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
