CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
