Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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