Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
