Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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