I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
