you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
