i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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