Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
