My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
