So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
