I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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