I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
