Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
