i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
