Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
