You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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