I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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