i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
