The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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