I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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