when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
