I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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