he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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