you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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