I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
