I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
well you can't waste a boner
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
