Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
