i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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