May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
