I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize