I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
