Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
