We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
