Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
