The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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