You can't motorboat a personality
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
