You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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