Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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