u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
