im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
