Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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