I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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