This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
