I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
