Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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