i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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