I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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