Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Too much gin, very little bucket
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
