I want to make a zoo with you.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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