Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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