there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
