Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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