mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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