I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
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