we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
