Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
